Promises, Promises
by Kazamigorical
Summary: Takes off a few months after 'Swan Song'. Dean has been living with Lisa and Ben and questions the promise he made to Sam, makes a decision and finds something he didn't expect. Dean & Sam Angst.
1. Chapter 1

Promises, promises.

Dean knew it wasn't working with Lisa. It wasn't her fault. She was everything he wanted her to be, she couldn't have been more perfect for him. And the kid; the kid was all kinds of awesome but he deserved someone who was truly there in mind, body and soul. They both did and Dean wasn't that person, wasn't even close. How could he be there with them when he was always constantly somewhere else? He knew it and he knew Lisa knew it too.

Maybe if things had have been different. Maybe if Sam hadn't have gone through with this crazy idea and maybe if he hadn't have let him it could have worked. They could have been that happy family Sam wanted for him. Bobby's words always ran through his head though; what had he really been scared about? Losing or losing his brother? The answer came too quickly now, the truth, was losing his brother. This had always been his worst fear. And now here he was living and breathing it and it was a whole different kind of hell. Nothing could compare. Not even the end of the world. Not even his own experiences in hell. Nothing.

But he had made a promise. A promise he was determined to keep. Yet right now, only months after he watched Sam fall into that damn hole that promise was wearing thin. What was more important? Keeping a promise while knowing damn well what his brother was going through or screwing the promise right where the sun don't shine and saving his brother from what he was going through? He knew the answer to that. There was no doubt whatsoever.

Sam would be pissed, sure, but Dean could live with that….again. What he couldn't live with was Sam in a cage in hell for all eternity. It was amazing he even lasted this long. And once he got him out of there, that was going to be his lame excuse. Sam could take it or leave it but at least he would be out and safe and exactly back where he belonged, right next to his brother in the passenger seat of the Impala.

Lisa's look of terror when he told her of his plan almost made him regret speaking the words. She shouldn't have to know this stuff. The pang of guilt that ripped through his gut for dragging her into his mess in the first place just added to the rest of the guilt that sat heavily within him but it almost felt normal. Nothing new, but just there, growing bigger and bigger with every passing day. He was used to it though and it didn't hurt too much anymore.

Her worry didn't stem from knowing he wasn't coming back even though this made her heart break. Her worry was the same as Sam's would have been, that he may fail and end up hurt or….worse. That playing with something this big was too big and surely something not one man could beat.

'I'll find a way.' He said definitely almost allowing her to believe it. 'Say good bye to the kid for me?'

She nodded. If it was any other man in any other situation she would force him to tell him himself but to protect Ben, this was the right way, the only way.

'Just call me. Please? Let me know you are okay?' She pleaded so intensely that he found himself nodding.

They hugged their final hug, gave each other their last smile and shared a look that said seven words. 'If only things had have been different'.

The Impala made him feel closer to Sam. Sam made him feel closer to the Impala. He smiled as he remembered the moment Sam took hold of the devil. It was because of baby, he knew it. He saw that monster looking at the army figure and he watched as Sam came through. At least that was one thing he did right. At least he got to see his brother one last time before…

Time for some hard and loud tunes. God, Sam would have yelled at him to turn it down by now and even though he wished for that beyond anything, he kept the volume up and tried hard to wrack his brain for a plan. He had nothing. He needed something. But he had nothing and nothing wasn't going to get Sam out.

As he drove closer to the cemetery the feeling of dread and loss and pain nearly knocked him out. Could he go back there? Could he actually do it? And once he was there, what was he going to do? He turned down the stereo and pulled over to the side of the road. A dead, isolated dirt road out in the middle of nowhere. For the first time in a long time he felt at home.

'Cas…' was all he whispered as he considered. He hadn't seen him since that day. Had often thought about him, but never had he tried to contact him. Surely though if anyone could help him, it would be Cas.

'Yes?' Cas said with one of those sympathetic smiles as he appeared next to him in Sam's seat.

'Jesus.' Dean's heart beat faster than he could remember. He wasn't used to this anymore.

'You called?'

"Not really. I just said your name.'

'You called.' Cas said more definitely.

Dean squinted and then shrugged guessing you couldn't hide much from an Angel.

'I need your help.'

'To get Sam out of the pit?'

'What else?'

"I'm not sure.'

'No. I mean, yes, I need your help getting Sam out of the pit.' He even noticed his gruff, fast, frustrated voice returning himself. Cas mixed with this kind of stuff just brought it out in him but at least it made him feel like he was doing something… and man, it was good to see this Angel again.

'Dean –'

'Can you help me or not?' he said instead of telling Cas this.

'You don't need me to do that.'

'Then what do I need?'

After a bit of a silence and a push from Dean, Cas finally spoke, 'I don't know how to tell you this.'

'Tell me what?' Dean frowned, adrenalin shooting through his body. "Tell me what Cas?'

A sidewards glance to the side window from his Angel friend was enough to get Dean's blood to boil. What the hell? 'Cas?'

Cas looked back at him with a concerned frown. "It's Sam.'

'What about Sam?'

'He's…..not there.'

If ever Dean had felt like a brick had hit him, it was then. Almost speechless, he forced himself to speak, 'What?'

'He's not there.' Cas stupidly repeated.

'Then where the hell is he?'

'Here. On Earth. He has been for months.'

Okay now he was officially speechless. Looking from Cas to the steering wheel to the hole in his faded jeans didn't help him. Looking back at Cas didn't allow any words to flow. His mind was blank, his body numb. This wasn't making sense, yet he just could not feel.

'I know it must be a shock.' Cas waited for something from Dean. It worried him that he was not responding. 'We think he didn't want you to know so you could live your life with Lisa and have a chance at happiness.'

'Happiness?' Dean screeched all of his feelings now rushing up on him. 'Are you freaking serious? No seriously, are you serious? Sam is out? And no one told me?'

'I'm sorry. '

'Where is he? Goddamn Cas you tell me where he is! Now!'

'Bobby's. He's at Bobby's.'

Oh my God! Bobby knew this too! What the hell? Half of him didn't believe Cas but the furious side that wanted to, took complete control and turned the ignition, burned rubber onto the road and did a crazy u – turn. 'I'm going to kill him. I am going to KILL HIM!"

Cas thought about laughing at the irony before forcing himself to worry if Dean was actually serious. If Dean killed Sam, then they would be right back where they were only seconds ago, with Dean wanting his help to bring Sam back. Why would he bother with all that?

'Cas, not literally.' Dean said knowing exactly what Cas was thinking. Stupid Angel; always with the literal. 'I need you to concentrate here. Tell me everything.. Don't leave anything out.'

'He escaped.'

'How?' Dean was amazed that this was Castiel's definition of not leaving anything out.

'We are not sure.'

'What do you mean you are not sure? Surely you must know. What does Bobby think?'

'He has been looking into it.'

'And….?'

'Dean you need to calm down.' Cas tried hearing the panic in his friend's voice.

"Don't tell me to calm down! You are telling me that my brother is alive and walking around at Bobby's and I am the last to know! How do you expect me to react?' Shaking his head, he made a decision, 'You know what, screw it..' Once again he pulled over the Impala but this time he got out, slamming the door behind him. Cas followed suit and watched him move over to him. 'Do your thing. Get us to Bobby's. Now!'

'You think that is a good idea? I mean…'

'Cas. Do it. Don't mess with me on this.'

Without another word, Cas moved his two fingers to Dean's forehead. They were outside Bobby's house within an instant. Cas had chosen this spot so he could try to settle Dean down before he went inside but he should have known Dean would just take off and burst right through Bobby's front door. Not literally.

Dean wasn't prepared to see Bobby and Sam sitting at Bobby's table with a new lap top and countless amounts of books open. And Bobby and Sam sure as hell was not prepared to see Dean.

'Dean….' Sam tried as he slowly stood up but not knowing what more to say.

It was really Sam. Sam was alive and well…..and here, right in front of him. His brother was not trapped and being ripped apart and tortured in hell. Just at Bobby's house looking as normal as he did this time last year.

Dean didn't know whether to laugh or cry or throw punches but instead of any of those, he simply rushed over to his brother and wrapped his arms around him. Sam responded with the same. He didn't expect the whack across the head he received from his older brother but on reflection thought he should have. "I'm sorry. I just wanted normal for you.' He said, knowing how that would sound.

Dean pulled away and said firmly, "You are my normal Sam. You.'

Before Sam could reply, Dean had pulled him in for another hug just so grateful he wasn't suffering in the worst place possible. It struck him finally though that something was digging into his chest. The next time Dean pulled away, he noticed what it was.

'Oh my God.' The amulet. Sam was wearing his amulet. The amulet he had been pining for all these months.

Sam gave him a weak smile but said nothing.

'We think it could have helped getting Sam out.' Bobby said, still touched by the reunion.

'How?' Cas asked confused, not aware of this new finding.

'We aren't sure. We are pulling at straws here. Sam doesn't remember, but we are exhausting all avenues and so far this seems the most likely.'

Cas frowned. 'God?'

'Maybe?' Sam said without much conviction. 'We just don't know.'

'I could kill you, you know that?' Dean said not really concerned just yet about the why, or the how. 'You too.' He added to Bobby. 'Hell, all of you.' His anger was building again. 'You didn't think I had the right to know? I thought you were in hell Sam! Hell. All this time and it turns out you weren't?'

'I know but I saw you with Lisa and Ben and you looked happy, like you were right there living the life you wanted. How could I mess with that?'

'Easily! You just do.' He shook his head, "Man, you just don't get it do you?'

'I do. You just deserve more than this, more than looking out for me. I wanted you to do something for yourself for once.'

'You want me to be okay?'

'Yes.'

'Then telling me you are back and okay would be me being okay!'

'I know but…'

'No, there are no buts…what you saw, it wasn't me being okay, it wasn't me living the life I wanted. Maybe if I knew you were out it could have been but me thinking you were stuck down there is not being me okay!' he screamed.

'Okay, well now you know I am out and fine so you can just go right back there and get out of this life and into the one you want.' Sam said giving that flippant shrug Dean hated so much. 'Invite me over for a barbeque.'

'Sam -' the warning in his voice even took him back.

'Dean, I am serious.'

'So am I!'

"Look you said yourself you have to let me grow up and grow up yourself. Well this is the way.'

'I've changed my mind. That was a stupid freaking idea and nothing good comes from it.'

'Except Lisa and Ben.'

"They are better off without me. You are not. So sorry Sammy, you are stuck with me. Deal with it.'

With a large sigh, Sam looked at Bobby who just shrugged. Cas knowing Sam was flogging a dead horse disappeared and Dean knowing what he wanted held his ground determined, staring at his little brother. Screw this equality crap, he was putting his foot down on this.

"So what now?" Sam said knowing that look in Dean's eyes full well. He wasn't budging.

'Now we find out what the hell.' Dean answered finally calm…..and ready.

'Anyone feeling a bit of de ja vu?" Bobby asked, 'Let the games begin all over again.'


	2. Chapter 2

Even though Sam was trying his hardest to listen and concentrate on what Bobby was saying to them, all he could feel was Dean's eyes on him and the guilt that was piling up because of it.

He knew this day would come. He was staying with Bobby on and off since he found himself back. It was the next place he went to after Lisa's. Of course it was obvious Dean was going to turn up there one day for whatever reason and he wondered if deep down it was exactly what he had wanted. Why he had never ventured too far away. Did he want to be found? Was it his way of not pulling Dean back but getting him back anyway?

He was proud of his brother waiting this long. At least he tried with Lisa, that was all he could ask for and he was not done convincing him to go back there one day to live this life he wanted his brother to live, the life he deserved to live, the life he needed to live, but as of now, he fully understood where Dean was coming from and knew he would have reacted the exact same way if the tables were turned. Hell, knowing him he probably would have been even more pissed. Dean had taken it well considering, but in saying that, he wasn't sure the repercussions were over. Especially with the penetrating glares that were burning holes into him.

'Sam I said what about you?' Bobby's voice shook him out of his trance.

'Sorry what?'

The table they were sitting around felt suddenly smaller, as if it was going to close in on him.

'Okay look, tough day. Let's pick this up tomorrow okay? Bobby suggested standing up and moving towards the doorway, 'I'm going up to bed. Good to see you again boy.' He said to Dean before giving Sam a supportive smile.

'Night' Sam said.

Dean said nothing, just kept on looking right at Sam.

Once he took the deepest breath he could take, Sam finally found the courage to look his brother in the eyes. Instead of finding the anger he was expecting, it was more like Dean was just taking him in, like he was trying to work out if this was really happening, if Sam was really back.

'I can't believe it.' Dean finally spoke.

'I know you're mad.'

'Hell yeah I'm mad. That was the single most stupid thing you have ever done. Well, apart from jumping in that hole.'

'I had to do that Dean. I don't regret it. I would do it again tomorrow.' He always sounded stronger than he felt. He wondered if everyone else knew that.

'I don't doubt it.' Dean gave a wry smile.

'I mean it, we had to get him back in and that was the only way.'

Nodding, Dean didn't buy it. There would have been another way, surely. And never again, no matter what, would he ever let Sam sacrifice himself like that. Nothing was worth it and as selfish as he thought that sounded, he just didn't care.

'What was it like?' Dean asked after a moment of silence. After he had prepared himself.

"It wasn't that long ago I was asking you that.' Sam closed the book he had open at nothing that was helping, threw his pen down on the table and sat back. Running a hand through his hair, he shrugged and said as nonchalantly as he could, 'Different from you. I was alone – with him.'

'Trapped.'

'Trapped.'

'Trapped in the devil, in hell. I can only imagine what happened from there.'

With a raise of his eyebrows, Sam didn't tell him there was no way he could ever imagine what happened from there. It wasn't worse than what Dean went through, it wasn't better either, but it was different and going in, even he didn't anticipate what the deal was going to be.

Still, he believed he got off easy considering what could have been. He didn't do eternity like he had first thought he'd have to, didn't do the time Dean did, didn't have to endure the constant physical torture Dean had to and once again he felt himself feeling sick at the mere thought of his brother selling his soul for him and having to go through all of that. After what he had seen with his own two eyes…..God.

'How long?'

'A couple of days. That's all.'

'A lot can happen in a couple of days' And a lot did but Dean wasn't going to know about that. He didn't need to know. It wasn't Sam keeping secrets again, it was Sam saving Dean. Just like Dean would do for Sam.

'So we're thinking it has to be God.' Sam changed the subject. Dean understood.

'And what about the amulet?'

'Well maybe that was like the key to open the cage.'

'Why would that be the key when the rings were the key?'

"Maybe the rings were the key to get him in and the amulet was the key to get me out.'

Dean pulled a face. That didn't sound right.

'I know. I don't think so either but it's all we have.'

Suddenly a thought smashed Dean right over the head. 'Sam!' he exclaimed.

'What?'

'The promise. The deal.'

'What?'

'Remember you said to Lucifer, if you win, you live, I live, mum and dad are brought back-'

'No, no way. That's not it.'

'It could be.'

'It's not.'

'Why? How are you so sure? You won; he made that deal with you.'

'He's not bringing mum and dad back and he sure as hell didn't want me back. It wasn't him. Definitely not.'

'So he wanted revenge.'

'What do you think?'

That sounded downright nasty. In fact, Dean wasn't sure he could take the reality of the devil being the one dishing out any kind of vengeance and retribution on his younger brother. He couldn't even comprehend what that would mean. Alastair was probably a puppy compared to Lucifer himself. Enough, he couldn't go there just yet. 'I'm starting to think the end of the world would have been better.' Dean swallowed.

'Dean, you don't mean that.'

'You know I do.'

'Anyway, it's over now right? Maybe we shouldn't go poking around. Maybe we should just take it as it is and be happy with that.'

'And you can do that?'

'No but you can.'

"Sam, don't. Don't even try. I'm not going back to Lisa.'

He was so definite about it; Sam knew it wasn't the time to push.

'Have you spoken to Chuck?' Dean questioned once he was sure Sam had got the message.

'We can't get hold of him.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well, it's like he's just vanished into thin air.'

'Chuck has left his house? That doesn't sound much like Chuck.'

'Maybe he's organized another convention.' Sam tried to joke to lighten the mood somewhat.

Dean didn't go with it, 'So we go there. To his place. Oh, son of a bitch!'

Son of a bitch!'

'What?'

'The car, its back…Cas zapped us here. Damnit!' Looking ceiling bound, Dean called 'Cas!'

Sam tilted his head bemused, his eyes following Dean's. 'You're kidding right?'

'What? All I had to do before was whisper his name and bam he was there, right next to me.'

'Really?' Sam was clearly taken back.

'Why? What do you do?'

'Dude that was the first time we'd seen him since that day.'

That too, didn't sound right, 'Huh?'

'Serious.'

'Sam, he knew practically everything.'

'So maybe he has been watching?' The thought of an Angel watching the moves Bobby and he had been making irked him a little but he wasn't surprised. In fact it made complete sense.

'When he was saying 'we' I assumed he meant you and him – or him and Bobby. Don't tell me other angels are involved in this.'

'They probably are.'

'If this is another whole 'we have work for you' thing, I swear I am going to punch them square in the face. All of them. Cas!'

'I don't think he's coming.'

'He has to, we need the damn car. I want my damn car!'


	3. Chapter 3

3.

Dean had been having a nightmare as he slept on one of Bobby's couches opposite to where Sam had fallen asleep hours before but it wasn't his nightmare that woke him, it was Sam screaming from his own. Within a second Dean was up and awake and had bolted over to his still sleeping brother. 'Sammy, wake up. Sam!'

He tried shaking him, pushing at his shoulder, pulling him up but nothing was working. Sweat was soaking him, his face twisted and turned like he was in agony. Dean knew exactly what he was dreaming about and a new kind of panic set in. 'Sam! Come on buddy. Sam!'

Hell.

Of all the places, of all the torment and torture and blood and misery and suffering. They had both been there, they had both chosen it and now they had both had to deal with the consequences from not only enduring it themselves but knowing the other had as well.

'Sam!'

It wasn't Dean that woke him, it was Sam himself, feeling the force of fist against cheek and knowing it wasn't in his dream. He shot up and tried his hardest to focus on his consciousness. Seeing Dean pulling himself up from the floor, his hand holding his jaw yet only worrying if Sam was the one who was okay made him feel like the worst brother

in the world.

'Did I do that? I hit you? I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.'

'I know, its okay. You were having a nightmare. A bad one it looked like.'

Sam sat up allowing Dean to take a seat next to him. 'You okay?'

'Yeah, I'm fine.'

'He's not fine. He's been having them every single night he's been here.' Bobby said entering the room without either of them aware of it. He placed a glass of water on the coffee table for Sam and sat down where Dean had been sleeping, dreaming of hell himself.

'It's fine. I'm fine.' Sam reiterated annoyed at himself for falling asleep and especially for falling asleep before Dean.

'What were you dreaming of?' Dean asked him.

'Nothing. I don't know. I don't remember. I never do. Just go back to sleep guys. I'm fine.'

Dean picked up the glass and handed it to Sam who took a gulp before placing it back on the table. 'Really, I'm fine.'

'Who are you trying to convince here?' Bobby asked him.

Rolling his eyes he glared at his surrogate father. He wanted Bobby to back him on this. To make Dean feel that all was okay. So he didn't have to worry.

'Don't look at me like that. You're not fine. You know it, I know it and Dean knows it. No use hiding it. It's right there in front of all of us.'

'You should have called me, Bobby,' Dean frowned, 'he's going through this and you don't even call me.'

'I thought about it, I did, but Sam wouldn't have it.'

'To hell with what Sam wanted. Sam wasn't thinking right. He'd just been to hell. Hell Bobby. Do you have any idea what that does to your freaking head?'

'Dean-'Sam started calmly.

'No Sam, you both should have called me.'

'Why? So you could do this? Just worry and stress and get pissed off all over again and remember what you had to go through?' Sam sat forward. 'This is bringing it all back for you isn't it?'

'No –'

'Yes it is. I can see it.'

'No it's not because it has never left me and it is going to be the same for you.'

'I was there two days! Two Dean. '

'Which is what? Months in hell time?'

'Yes compared to your forty years.'

'Why are you comparing it to my time? Months is still a long time.'

'No it's not because you came through forty years. Forty years. I haven't even been alive for forty years Dean and you go through all that, you come out and I'm the one that can't cope? I'm the one who gets addicted to demon blood, who gets manipulated by a demon, who opens the door for Lucifer to walk right out of –'

'Okay stop! No more. Enough. You put him back in. You got your redemption and I helped give that to you because it is what you wanted – and needed. You can't go thinking about that other stuff anymore. It's done. That's over. And you can't go comparing what happened to me to what happened to you. We both sacrificed ourselves, we both did our time and we are both out of there.' He took a breath but pointed a finger in Sam's direction. 'We found out why I got out and now we have to find out why you got out. Then we deal with it. We're no better off or worse off than each other so we don't even think about that, do you hear me? Sam? Okay? '

Sam nodded slightly but then looked hard at his brother, 'How many times have you told me how tired you are of all this?'

'I've had my break, just like you had yours back at Stanford.' He took another breath and stared right back into Sam's eyes, 'All I have wanted was to get you back and now that you are back, you want me to let that go? I can't let that go. I won't let that go. Whatever we thought we wanted it's not any more, not now. Now I know what is really important and so do you and it's not some apple pie life. We know too much. We're not normal people, nothing about us is normal so we can't live normal. You know it doesn't work just as much as I do.'

'You boys. You're always beating yourselves up about something.' Bobby said more to Sam, rubbing his forehead, 'You've come full circle, now you just have to start afresh and move on.'

'I don't want to pull you guys back in. Look at what we all went through.' Sam said, 'This life, it's a sucky life. Sucky things always happen and I don't want to be the cause of any more of it. Sometimes I just think it would have been better if I never got out.'

'That's not true. You don't deserve hell Sammy. Neither of us did. You got to believe that and you can't go doing what I did. You can't go giving up.'

'I'm not giving up. I just want you to.'

'Sorry, not going to happen. No way. The worst life with you is better than the best life without you.' Dean shrugged, 'It's just the way it is.'

Sam couldn't help but smile at that. He didn't want to, didn't want to show Dean what it meant to hear those words but he couldn't hide it and realized that was the first time he had smiled since finding himself back on solid ground.

'So what next?' Bobby asked.

'Well I have to get hold of Cas. I need him to zap us back to the Impala. Then we go find Chuck.'

'Chuck's nowhere to be found.' Came Cas's voice from behind Bobby. All of them jumped a little from the shock of Cas finally appearing out of nowhere before Dean stood up in anger.

'Where the hell have you been? I was calling you for hours.'

'You really do say 'hell' a lot don't you Dean?'

'How come you hear that and you don't hear – 'Cas, come here now?''

'I heard you.'

'So why didn't you come?'

'I was busy.' Cas frowned.

'Busy doing what?'

'Heaven business.'

'Oh I'm so sorry. Excuse me for interrupting.'

'You're not my boss Dean. I can't just drop everything and come rushing to your side every time you call me. There is other stuff going on.'

'What other stuff?'

'Angel stuff.'

'Well is God home? Can you tell me that?'

'No.'

'No you can't tell me or no he is not home?'

'No, I can't tell you.'

'Why the hell not?'

'Again with the 'hell''

'Why the 'heaven' not?' Dean answered sarcastically

'It's none of your business.'

'Is it about Sam, because if so, it is my business?'

'Not everything is about you Winchesters Dean.'

'Whatever. Where's Chuck? Is he okay? What do you mean he's nowhere to be found?'

In response Cas frowned. Sam took that to mean that Dean was firing too many questions at him to keep up so stood up and took the lead,

'Cas what happened to Chuck?'

'We don't know.'

'Yeah and that's another thing,' Dean started, 'who is this 'we' you keep talking about?'

'Heaven.'

'What?'

'This 'we' is heaven.'

'Like who? Other angels? Do these angels know what got Sam out?'

'They have their theories.'

'And?'

'I'm here to take you back to your car. That is what you wanted isn't it?'

'You know what, the angel side of you can be a real douche you know that?'

'That would be great.' Sam said, 'Thanks.'

After a quick shower, a quick change and a quick good bye to Bobby, Sam and Dean were back by the Impala alone and in the middle of nowhere. As soon as Sam laid eyes on her he smiled and Dean smiled as soon as he saw Sam smile.

'She saved your life.' Dean said as they opened their doors. 'She saved all of our lives.'

'She wasn't the only one.'

'You know what Sammy?' Dean said as he slinked into the driver's seat and put on his seatbelt. 'I feel good. This is good.'

Sam closed his door and clicked in his own belt, 'Yeah same.' Truth was he did feel good being back next to his brother in the impala and on the road again. More than good, it felt fantastic. He just wished this feeling of dread and concern would lift from his shoulders. He couldn't' help but think if Dean was pulled out of hell to stop – or start an apocalypse then why on Earth was he pulled out?

But he decided to take Dean's advice for once. His brother had been more right than him about a lot of things so instead of sitting there and dwelling on it, he turned up the stereo, laughed a little at Dean's surprised expression and sang all the classic rock he'd been forced to learn all the way to Chuck's house, out of tune. Dean happy to hear it, sang right along with him, in tune.


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing Dean noticed as he stepped into Chuck's house was the stuffy air and the empty bottle on the table. The first thing Sam noticed was the manuscript behind it. Both of them rushed towards the table, bumping into each other before they got there.

'He said he was writing the pages when I called him to find you. Turn to the end.' Dean ordered as soon as Sam had picked up the bundle of paper.

Sam did so and scanned the back page. 'Test….for Sam and Dean… did alright….own choice… chose family….whole point.'

"What the…?' Dean frowned 'Is he freaking kidding me? This was a test? A test?'

'Dean, calm down for a sec.' Sam tried feeling more than a little confused. He dropped the manuscript and sighed as he saw Dean fire up more than calm down.

'No, nonono! Sam no! We did not go through all of this for some stupid test.'

'It's probably not how it sounds. Remember, this is Chuck's recount.'

'Sam, Chuck is a Prophet! Of course it is how it sounds. You know what; I wasn't lying when I said I want to go for God next. He is definitely priority one on my hit list!' Dean yelled towards the ceiling.

Sam continued to scrutinize his surroundings: old empty bottles lining the kitchen bench, dirty plates in the sink, the chair pulled out, the lamp still on.

'I'm taking a better look around. Looks like he disappeared in a hurry.'

'Man, I am telling you, he better stay gone if he knows what's good for him.'

'Dean, focus. This isn't his fault'

'It is if he knew and didn't tell us.'

Sam felt the amulet bounce on his chest as he took the stairs two at a time. He was hoping Dean would have asked for it back by now. Honestly, he had wanted Dean to ask for it back as soon as he saw it, but he didn't and Sam only took that to mean that Dean hadn't fully forgiven him yet. For anything.

Before he jumped in that hole, he himself thought he would be redeemed, not only in his own eyes but in the eyes of everyone else too, everyone he cared for and especially Dean's. Now though, after seeing what he saw and going through what he did down there, he knew damn well that all of this was not something you could be redeemed from. All this had only resulted in his loved ones getting hurt and tortured and damned, and he firmly believed his existence and actions were the sole reason for it.

The thing with Sam though was that he could always sound strong and sure and in control even though he felt as broken and destroyed as a shattered vase. No one knew how broken he was inside, not even himself, but on occasion, when he was alone and it was dark, all the emotion, all the pain and guilt ripped and sliced into him like a pissed off hell hound on steroids.

He had always hated that Dean hid so much of his feelings from him but what he never realized was how much he did the same thing to Dean. Dean though, hadn't been one to push in the past whereas Sam had. This was the difference. Pushing someone for information was much different than pulling it out of yourself. He was always way more interested to know what was going on with his brother than what was going on with himself.

In the short amount of time they had been reunited Sam had noticed a change in Dean in this regard though. Obviously a female touch and a child's influence had had an affect on him. He was actually speaking in sentences about stuff, able to sit down and talk things out with Sam instead of shutting it all down. And shutting Sam down. He wasn't there yet but he was well on his way. Thing was though, Sam didn't want to talk about it. It was too difficult, too vivid and too horrific. This time he fully understood where Dean was coming from those years ago and felt like a world class asshole for ever questioning him about it. Dean was right, it shouldn't be spoken about. It seemed so wrong to be spoken about.

All he wanted was for his brother to ask for his stupid, damn amulet back.

'Anything?' Dean called up just as Sam had exhausted all possibilities.

'Nothing. You?'

'Nothing.'

'So there goes that.' Sam said as he stepped down onto the bottom floor.

'What now?'

'Who knows?'

'Well what have you been doing all this time? Any more leads in any other direction?'

'No, nothing.'

'Seriously?" Dean heard his own frustrated, confused and patronizing tone but he just could not believe no one had anything.

'Yeah Dean, seriously.' Sam's defenses kicked in faster than they used to and his tones matched Dean's in impact. Instead of Dean trying to calm him, he said a 'See, this is why you needed to call me.'

God, was he ever going to let that go? 'Yeah, okay and say I did, what would you have come up with that us imbeciles didn't?'

'Probably a million things.'

'Like, for example?' Sam challenged.

'Okay….like…..Crowley.' Dean suggested pulling a name out of thin air.

'He doesn't know.'

'Are you sure?"

'Yes. Another one.'

'Demons.'

'Do you think I am an idiot? Seriously Dean? You think I haven't tried everything? Angels, Demons, Chuck, Cas, Lucifer, God, Spells, sigils, frickin everything? I am telling you, nothing leads anywhere and if it does, no one is telling us.'

'There's got to be something you didn't think about.'

'There's not!

'There's got to be!' Dean yelled back annoyed that they were beginning to argue but unable to control himself. He hadn't had one argument with Lisa about anything and here he was back where he wanted to be, with his brother and they were about to tear each other down again.

'Okay, you know what. You find it then.' Sam saw Dean go to open his mouth but cut him off. 'No really, if you are so sure you can find it all out by just being you, then you go right ahead. Let me know when you have all the answers.'

The very second Sam turned to storm out the front door; Dean grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him back.

'Don't be such a baby.'

'I'm not the one being the baby Dean. You're the one who can't get over everything; you are the one acting like you are the only one who can do this. So go ahead and do it. Fix it like you fix everything, be right like you always are, take control and save the day like you always do.'

'Dude, what are you even talking about? You are not making any sense. All I said was that you should have called me and you should have! You know that.'

'That's what you would have done right? If you saw me finally living away from this life. Finally free of it. You would have just dragged me right back into it.'

'Didn't I? I ripped you out of Stanford the second something big was going down.'

'It was different back then and you know it.'

'Yeah I thought you were in HELL!"

Instead of replying Sam shook his head and went to leave again. Dean pulled him back once again and even though he felt like shoving him against the wall, just said.  
"So, I see this anger of yours hasn't gone.'

'Screw you Dean.'

A lot of the time it was an advantage being taller and bigger than your older brother, you could break free of his grasp so much easier. This was one of those times.

"Look, I don't want to fight with you Sammy.' Dean said as he closed Chuck's now broken door behind them and followed him to the car.

'No? Really? You started it.' Sam replied without looking back.

'Right and you're not being a baby.' Dean grumbled under his breath but loud enough for Sam to hear. 'And what do you mean I can't get over everything? What does that even mean?'

'Forget it. Just open the door.'

'No, I want to know what you mean.'

'Just open the door!'Sam screamed louder than he'd done in a long time.

'Keep your panties on.' Dean moved to the passenger side door and unlocked Sam's door before his own. He needed the time to breathe in and out and understand that Sam had just been to the worst place he could go and probably suffered the worst torment of his young life. They didn't need to fight, not over nothing, especially not over nothing.

'I'm sorry okay?' Dean tried when he started the ignition.

Sam had that broody, pissed expression on his face; Dean could see it in the reflection of the window that he was sulking at. 'Sam?" He knew damn well the tone of his voice hadn't caught up to his more relaxed state as yet. The apology sounded more like an on edge accusation.

'Yeah, okay, whatever.'

'Dude, I don't even know what we're fighting about.'

Sam knew. It wasn't about any words spoken, it was about words unspoken.

'Do you? Because I would really like to know.'

Sam didn't answer.

'Dude?'

Silence.

Not knowing what else to do, Dean pulled out onto the road and turned the corner. He wasn't done with Chuck's house but he was done with it that day. They both needed sleep and they both needed it quick. The closest Motel was their next destination and hopefully the place they could sort whatever this was out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, before Chapter 5, I really want to give everyone who took the time to review or add me or the story to their favorites and / or alerts a HUGE thank you! This is my first ever fan fic and I was nervous and unsure and you guys have really helped me in ways you probably can't understand. Thank you again! Mwah to you all xo**

**Special shout out to Spikesduck, Magoghair, Kristyd, Lovepass77 and DeanCasLover22 for giving me the inspiration to start. **

Chapter 5.

'You can't sleep either?" Dean asked after hearing Sam fight his way out of his sheet one more time. It was just after three in the morning and they hadn't said a word to each other since they got in the car.

'No.'

Dean leaned over, switched on the old, shade less lamp and sat up. 'What's going on with you?'

'Nothing.' Sam answered sitting up himself. He felt ashamed of the way he acted before and wanted to fix this as much as Dean did. Why couldn't he just tell him how happy he was to have him back?

'Come on man, I might not know what happened to you in the pit, but I've been there. If anyone will get it, it's me.'

'I know.'

'So tell me what happened'

Maybe it was because it was in the dead hours of the night that it made it easier to speak or maybe there was something in what Dean had said, but Sam felt more comfortable and ready and able to let his brother what he had experienced.

'You know what happened to you?' he said softly, a lock of his dark hair falling into his eye.

'Yeah.' Dean shuffled a little without even knowing and took in a deep breath, not sure if he was ready enough to hear this.

'Well instead of going through it and instead of having to do it, I, I, umm, had to watch it. I couldn't look away, I couldn't blank it out, he was in control of me down there and he made me watch it, he made me see everything and I couldn't do anything to stop it and the thing is….well, it wasn't happening to strangers.'

'Who was it happening to?' Dean frowned, feeling like he was going to throw up, already imagining the answers.

'Dad, mum, Jess, Ellen, Jo, Ash, Pamela. Everyone we knew who has died and…. I don't know if it was really them, I mean I kept telling myself it wasn't but God, it felt like it. It seemed like it. Their screams, the way they looked at me, they wanted me to help them and I couldn't and I mean it probably looked to them like it was me, you know? And I couldn't tell them it wasn't and even if I could, it wouldn't help them, it wouldn't have made their pain stop. They were getting sliced up every single day over and over again and it was being done because of me. Just so that he could get his revenge.'

'It wasn't your fault.'

'It was only my fault.'

'No Sam. He's the devil, it was his fault. He did it, not you.' It was time for some movement to break up the heavy air in the room. Dean stood up and stepped over to their kitchenette. Turning on the tap and filling two glasses with water he said, 'Tell me, what was happening to you? I mean physically'

'Hellfire.' Sam swallowed 'I wasn't tortured, I was burned.'

'Oh God.' This time Dean half doubled over, only saving himself by holding onto the sink in front of him. Knowing he had to stay strong for his brother was the only thing that kept him from completely falling apart.

'I'm just hoping that when I got out, so did they.' Sam said.

'We can ask Cas.'

'Yeah. Maybe he will tell you.'

'What about Adam… or Michael?' Dean handed Sam his glass and sat down on the foot of his brother's bed.

'He got out as soon as I got in. I don't know what happened with that. He landed and then disappeared.'

'Sammy.'

'It's fine Dean.'

'I was coming to get you out, you know that right?'

'What?'

'That's how I found you; I left Lisa to find a way to get you out. I was all set to break your promise.'

Sam shook his head with this confirmation and finally made eye contact with his brother. He wasn't sure Cas didn't go looking for Dean to reunite them for some higher purpose. He didn't know the reason behind his brother finding him but even though he had his suspicions; his mind was open to it being something other than Dean simply wanting him out. 'Sometimes I don't get you.'

'I don't know, I thought it was pretty predictable myself. No way could I just let you rot down there.'

'So you didn't do anything to get me out sooner? It definitely wasn't you?'

'No. I was pretty determined there for awhile. You should be proud.'

'Was it good? With Lisa and Ben?'

'Yeah it was good. Well for someone else it'd be good.'

'I hate holding you back.'

'You aren't holding me back. This is what I am. I'm just home.'

Headlights of a turning car hitting the window lit up the room momentarily before sweeping away interrupting their thoughts.

'We'll work it out, we will Sammy but we got to be on the same team. We can't fight each other anymore. Like Bobby said, we got to start afresh.'

"How can we start afresh when you don't even trust me Dean?'

'Say what?' If ever Dean was stunned by words it was then.

'You threw this away.' Sam said flicking the amulet before feeling it pound back on his chest, 'You don't even want it back.'

'Sam, Jesus, are you kidding me? I've never wanted it back so much in my life.'

'Then why haven't you asked for it?'

'Dude maybe I was waiting for you to give it to me.'

Both of them smiled in satisfied and relieved amusement as Sam drew it over his head and handed it to Dean. In no time it was back where it belonged. "So this is what all that before was all about?'

Only shrugging, Sam pulled the sheet back over him, not hot and uncomfortable anymore.

'Dude, I told you. All that…everything that happened, it's done. All the crap that went down was helped along by those effed up angels and demons and it all happened for a reason. They called it destiny and if everything was destiny until that day or month or whatever, then it was beyond our control. What we did control was averting the apocalypse and saving millions of people. When I look at you, apart from seeing my pain in the ass little brother, that's what I see.'

'That's good.' Sam smiled.

Seeing the amulet back around Dean's neck felt better than he could have imagined. That mixed with telling someone about his time in hell, especially that someone being Dean made him feel lighter, happier and more optimistic. There wasn't anything they couldn't do when they were together. The Winchesters were a force to be reckoned with and when they were in sync they were unstoppable.

With a new lease on life, a renewed relationship and a kick ass attitude, Sam finally no longer doubted they would find the answer to their question and absolutely knew that if this one answer raised a million more questions like all their answers seem to do, then it would be them that ticked them off one by one.

It was a new day the next day, a new beginning and Sam was ready for it. He got his redemption not only by saving the world, not only by controlling the devil and jumping in the hole but by hearing the words from his brother. Without those, he could never fully feel redeemed. So now that he had that, now that he didn't have to carry that fear around, he was ready to jump right back into the fight at full force.


	6. Chapter 6

6.

'I want to go back to Chuck's today.' Dean announced as he smashed his last shirt into his bag. Sam, brushing his teeth frowned and then mumbled 'What for?'

'I don't know. Something didn't feel right. Like you said, it looks like he just disappeared. What if something took him?

Sam spat out the last of his toothpaste and wiped his mouth, 'Like you mean something supernatural?'

'Stranger things have happened.'

Nodding and then thinking about it, Sam stepped out of the bathroom and over to his own bag. 'Yeah, good point. Makes sense too. A truckload of things out there would want a piece of him. We should definitely check it out.'

Going in with a different angle and a new mind-set, Sam picked up on something new within a minute of stepping into the vacant house. 'Dean, check this out.' He closed the drawer where he found it and handed the first half of it to his brother.

'What is it?'

'Another manuscript, a different one.' Flicking through it, he added. 'This isn't about us, it's to us.'

'Huh?'

'Have a look. 'Sam motioned for Dean to start reading. It was thinner than the others and jammed packed with small typed words in letter form yet also set out like a diary with the days and dates at the top left hand corner of each page. Taking a seat Sam moved straight to the last page. 'Oh my God.'

'What?' Dean still confused, unable to comprehend very much of any of it waited on Sam.

'Dude-'

'What? Spit it out. What?'

'I know who God is.' Sam raised his eyebrows and glared at Dean. 'He told us.'

'What do you mean? Chuck told us who God is? God is God isn't he?'

'God is Chuck.'

Dean shook his head hoping the words Sam spoke would sink in. They didn't. 'What? No man really? What?'

'I can't believe it. God is Chuck, Chuck is God.' Scanning his brain, he continued, 'I mean, I guess it makes sense.' He smiled, 'Dean God was helping us all along.'

'Give me a look at that.' Dean ripped the pages from Sam's hands and tried to clear his head before reading a word of the last page.

'You really should start from the beginning.' A familiar voice said from behind them.

Both boys nearly got whiplash with the speed their heads spun towards the voice. 'It always makes more sense if you start from the beginning.'

For the first time ever, Sam looked at Chuck with eyes filled with awe and wonder. 'You're God? All along?'

Chuck only smiled, not as awkward as usual, more confident but also with eyes that still seemed so innocent and naïve, accepting and harmless, humble and unassuming. He was still in his robe, still scruffy and still the same old Chuck. 'Why didn't you tell us?'

'That was never in the plan.'

'Then tell me, what was the plan?' Dean fumed, 'That my brother goes to hell, that my father goes to hell, that I go to hell? You could have stepped in at any time! Why didn't you step in at any time Chuck?'

'Dean-'Sam tried.

Dean shot around at him, 'Are you for real?' Spinning back to Chuck, Dean waited really, really wanting to flatten the Man himself but holding back until he heard the answer.

Sam shut up and looked back at Chuck, hoping to ….God, that Dean wouldn't do anything to annoy the Almighty.

'Dean for the record, I didn't enjoy that part of it.' Chuck said genuinely.

'Oh really? You didn't enjoy that part of it.' Dean's angry smirk was in full force. Sam knew too well what Dean looked like before he was going to throw a punch and this was definitely what Dean was looking like.

'Couldn't you have stopped all this? I mean the whole apocalypse?' Sam asked hoping if he stepped in, Dean would step out.

'That wasn't my job.'

'No, that was our job Sammy. Everything we went through we had to go through right Chuck? It wasn't God's job to save the world, no, it was our job – just two messed up humans. You and me Sam… and why? Why? Because it was destiny right Chuck?'

With a sympathetic sigh, Chuck replied, 'I was on your side if that helps. I always hoped you would do it your way and win.'

'No that doesn't help. Not even a little bit.'

'Dean he helped us.' Sam tried.

'Not enough and you know it.'

Sam did know it but Sam was doing everything in his power to accept what was and why. God had to be right. He had to have his reasons that would mean something more than what they could come up with. Right? It wasn't that he just gave up and let them do the work for him. He was there, writing, helping …albeit slightly. But if it wasn't for Chuck – or God, then Dean wouldn't have found Sam on that day. There were other things like that too, without his help; they might not have ever won. He helped he did and he was on their side and if he was on their side that meant that Sam was okay. Chuck had always been nice to Sam. Sam always got the feeling Chuck liked him and that was good, that was very good. Sam needed to know that, to believe in that. Dean didn't.

'You son of a bitch! You knew exactly what was happening to us and you just sat back and let it happen. Must have been one kick ass movie you were watching. What kind of God are you? I mean you wouldn't even let us die. You just kept bringing us back so we could keep doing your dirty work while our friends and family were killed off one by one! It must be so easy being you, using us as your pawns. You were right the first time; you are a cruel and capricious God.'

'I had to see what would happen if I stepped out. Who would stay loyal, what my sons would do if I was gone.'

'Oh the big test, yeah right. I forgot. That's awesome.' Dean gave a laugh signifying he found nothing amusing about this at all.

'I understand you are mad, but I really do think you should read from the beginning, it explains a lot.'

After simply nodding, Dean moved over to the door, opened it and threw the pages into the wind. Ignoring Sam's gasp and Chuck's sigh he then picked up his keys from the table and said 'I'm so glad you are okay Chuck. We were worried, we thought something bad might have happened to you and we were here to find out what it was and try and save you from it, cause you know, we're good like that.'

'I know.' Chuck replied.

'Let's go Sam.'

'But Dean-'

'Now Sam.'

Sam looked helplessly at Chuck who gave him a supportive smile. 'You did good, both of you. I just hope your reward is enough to let you know how grateful I am.'

'Nothing would be enough' Dean laughed moving back to him and then catching onto a word. 'What reward?'

'Well that was all in the letter.'

'Letter's gone. What reward?'

'You pulled me from hell.' Sam stated. 'It was you.'

'It was me.' Chuck said graciously

Instead of saying anything, Dean nodded once, still pissed but unable to fight that. That was something he was grateful for; Sam out of there and alive.

'I know you never wanted this and I know you both want it over, like really over.'

'Damn right we do.' Dean said adamantly.

'Here's the deal then. You are out, the angels - the fight between heaven and hell; not your problem anymore.'

'Good.' Dean said.

'But there is a condition, a proviso with no loop hole – no get out of jail free card.'

'Which is?'

'You die, either of you, you stay dead. You want normal, you want human, that's what you get.'

Sam and Dean both looked at each other and within a couple of seconds and without a word to discuss it, both said in unison; 'Done'

'As long as you understand there will be no deals, no chance of ever coming back.'

'We get it.' Dean frowned, nervous but still sure. 'Done.'

'Then….done.' Chuck responded before saying, 'I'll see you around guys. Enjoy the final part of your reward' Before Dean or Sam could say another word, Chuck had disappeared and standing in his place was none other than the very human and very alive John and Mary Winchester.

THE END.


End file.
